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Bernice Crowder released her self-titled debut album in October 2010, but behind the big voice lies a story of pain and tears - yet also a story of hope, a testimony to the greatness of the God she serves. We'll let her tell it in her own words:
"I was born in picturesque East London, the youngest and most “eccentric” of four. Despite the relentless teasing, which often happens in large families, I had an extremely happy childhood; though we weren’t wealthy at all, we got by. Music was always my Passion and it was during my childhood that God placed a dream within me that “The music He placed within me I will share with world.
"Over the years, especially in my teen-age years, I developed a low self-image. Amongst friends I was always the tallest and biggest with the “biggest feet” and though I was accustomed to teasing, it always managed to stick. We're all familiar with the saying “sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me” - I learnt early on that this was a lie. One incident I can recall: I was singing at a school assembly and that same day someone walked passed me and mocked me with his friends saying in Afrikaans “Hier's die meisie met die man stem!” I was embarrassed and hurt and I believed him. Being young I didn’t identify it for what it was, that it was only the devil’s tactic to get me silent; believe me, it worked for a while.
Follow up:
"I never felt good enough or pretty enough. After moving to Johannesburg at the age of 15, these insecurities and lack in confidence stuck with me. Music was always my passion, and that was something I could never run away from. Wherever I went people always discovered that I could sing though I tried my best to stay in the shadows.
"Today I know for a fact that God was behind it. In myself, I tried to avoid opportunities to sing, and this was often misinterpreted as they say in Afrikaans “Ek gooi my gewig rond” or “I was feeling superior”. Not wanting anyone to know the real reason I allowed this misconception. I ended up being a victim of ridicule which I identified now as my own doing. Yet deep inside me was a constant battle which I thought at the time I was winning. I know now that looking at me then, you would never say that I lacked confidence so I can’t blame anyone.
In Sickness And In Health
I was married on 6th of March 1999 to the most amazing man, someone who looked passed the tough girl act. He saw me, for me. Today he is still my biggest supporter, believing in me and encouraging me every step of the way.
"Our eldest daughter was born prematurely in February 2000. Three years later we had our second child. Both of them were healthy regardless of complications during childbirth.
"I, on the other hand, became ghastly ill after the birth of my second daughter. At first I lost weight at an extreme rate. I looked anorexic. I experienced severe palpitations and I disregarded it thinking it’s because I was active too soon after her birth. In December 2003 I started swelling up. My body was retaining fluid; if you saw me then you would have though I was a different person.
"In January of 2004 it just got worse. It was like I went to bed perfectly healthy and got up the next morning looking like a pumpkin. My beloved husband rushed me to the hospital where I was admitted. At that point the doctors could not explain why, but I had left ventricular heart failure. I remember laying in that hospital bed asking God: 'Why me? Why? Why?'
"Doctors were baffled because I was young and healthy with no history of serious illness. I used to get flu once a year, that’s how healthy I was. They did a series of extensive tests. After months and months of invasive tests it was discovered that I had Graves disease. Anyone who knows about this dreaded disease will tell you that it alters certain features on your face especially your eyes, you get a bulging neckline. The medication I had to take caused weight gain.
"By this time in my life I thought I was over these self-image issues, but all of this knocked my lack of self-confidence even more. I would constantly wear scarves, even on the hottest day and I would try to hide my eyes in any possible way.
"The world is filled with insensitive, just plain nasty people; so-called “Christians” who would make malicious remarks about my weight changes, enlarged girth, even my bulging eyes. At that point in my life wanted to become a “hermit” and hide myself from the world. It took time for me to get over it. It was not instantaneous. Through God’s grace and unconditional love I made peace with who I was and loving me!
"I realised that life was too short to have unnecessary hang ups, and during this trying time God took me through a process of self discovery. Music became my haven! I wrote many songs expressing how I felt and this led to God healing me emotionally. I started accepting my bone structure, my body type, my “face” and who I was as a person. I started believing the scripture that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, that I was beautiful no matter what I looked like, and that He created me with a purpose.
"All things work together for the good of those who love God! In life we may not understand the why’s: all I know is that it took an unpleasant, life-threatening experience for me to allow God to work on certain undesirable issues in my life that I could never have dealt with on my own. Today I can proudly say I am a confident Lady because of Christ!
My daughter's illness
"It was during this time when I was struggling with my health that our family was dealt another blow. In 2005 my husband and I noticed that our youngest daughter was losing weight and we had to put her back on diapers. She was frequently sick. We took her to different doctors and all they said was 'it’s a stomach bug'. All we as parents can do is, trust God and “believe the professionals”, right??
I’ll never forget: On 27 April 2005, I was giving her a bath and I was overwhelmed with emotion. I had the feeling that if we didn’t take her back to a doctor that day, we would lose her - as a mother that is the worst feeling that one could have. Little did I know that God was making me aware of something beyond us because she was at the doctors the week before and again they told us it was just a “stomach bug”.
My once lively girl was constantly lethargic and she cried for no apparent reason. We took her to the doctors again, but this time I insisted that it could not be a stomach bug. After sitting there for hours, my girl got worse and the doctor said she didn't know why, but she decided to check her sugar levels. (Our family has no history of diabetes whatsoever, so I know that it was only God who impressed it in her spirit.) The machine used to check her levels read Hi!, and the doctor immediately arranged for her to be admitted into ICU at a nearby hospital. On our arrival my daughter’s reading was 43.8
"I stood by watching how the nurses were shuffling around her. By this time her veins had already dropped but thank God she was still responsive. We were told that under normal circumstances if someone’s sugar levels were that high, the person would be in a coma and would have experienced many complications. Irrespective of how we felt at that point the only One we could turn to was God. We called on the church to pray and saw the hand of God on our baby’s life. After two weeks she was discharged from ICU and now she was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes, insulin dependant. We know that we serve a healing God and we teach her to trust in God for her complete healing as well. God has brought her through so much over the years that we know He is able!
"Through God’s guidance and direction in 2009 we started working on my debut Album. I thank God that the message of hope He gave me through music, at one of the darkest points in my life, now ministers to people who are facing various trials and tribulations. All glory to God!"
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