In Another Land

I've waited on purpose to get to Bible Reading in the matter of living with depression, with good reason: That's normally the first "advice" you get from church people, as if Bible reading (and prayer, for that matter) will cure depression. To be brutally honest, Bible reading won't cure clinical depression. (But you've discovered that, right?) Neither was it ever intended as a cure for a medical condition.

Having said that, Bible reading - as part of your daily spiritual life - is crucial to living with depression. Millions of people struggling with depression have found great solace and spiritual encouragement in the Bible, especially in the psalms of David. In this age of technological marvels the Bible is still God's preferred method of reaching our hearts, principally (in my opinion) because it's written down black on white. You don't have to battle with some sort of "revelation", trying to figure out if it's really from God. You don't have to ask some intermediate's to discern God's will. You don't have to try and disentangle a preacher or author's own ideas from Scriptural truth. Just read it, and let God's Holy Spirit work with it in your life.

The greatest problem with Bible reading, if you're suffering from depression, is usually on two fronts.

Firstly, you very often don't feel like it, right? Let me tell you a little secret: "Non-depressed" people mostly don't feel like it either! It calls for discipline: View it as of the same importance as taking your medication, and after an initial period it will become part of your routine - and that's not a bad routine! A drowning man hanging on to a tree trunk in the midst of raging waters doesn't have to know why the tree would keep him afloat, but he needs to hold on! You need the Word, so hang on to it, even if it's just a few verses at a time.

Secondly, more importantly, it feels like everything else to a depressed person: Meaningless. Not doing anything. Many people say that they read the Bible, but nothing "sticks", it has no effect on you - just like water running through a mesh sieve with BIG holes!

Well, let me give you two ways of looking at this.

The first comes from an old missionary, who once said that the Word is just like that water running through the sieve: It does not fill up the sieve, but it is still cleaning it! Likewise, you may not even remember what you've read, but the Word "running" through your mind DOES have an effect, even if you don't notice it. Just keep on reading, and eventually you'll begin to discover changes that might surprise you.

The second illustration comes from the Rev Rex Mathie, a former principal of the Baptist Theological College in Johannesburg. In a class students once asked him how he would bring the gospel to someone who doesn't believe in the Bible.

"Well," he said, "I'll start with Romans 3 verse 23 and then Romans 6 verse 23..."

"But he doesn't believe in the Bible!" the students interrupted him.

"Oh. Well, in that case, I'll start with Romans 3 verse 23..."

"No!" the students said. "It won't work. The guy doesn't believe in the Bible!"

Dr Mathie smiled at them and said: "Gentlemen, I'm just placing little land mines in his mind, and sooner or later the Holy Spirit is going to step on them."

I think you get the picture! When you really need it, the Word that you've read and "not remembered" (consciously) will be there for God to bring to remembrance, and He'll use it to carry you through.

So start reading the Bible. Put the Bible somewhere close at hand where it's sort of "in your way". Start with the New Testament, the book of Matthew, chapter 1. Just read, don't try some fancy study or meditation. Just read as far as you can, put in a marker, come back later/tomorrow, read further. When you're through Matthew, get into Mark. Then Luke... When you're through the New Testament, tackle the Old Testament. Then go through the New Testament again. Just read.

As you read, you'll find (surprise!) some words sticking in your mind. Think about it. Apply to your life as and when possible. But even if everything just runs through, keep on reading. God has made a promise, and He's bound by His character to fulfill it:

As the rain and the snow comes down from heaven,
and do not return to it without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yield seed fro the sower and bread for the eater,
so it my word that goes out from my mouth:
it will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
[Isaiah 55: 10 & 11]

We can get all theological and argue about what His purpose might be, but what can't be argued about is that His word will NOT return to Him without achieving something!

So start reading!

Well, my mielies are finally ready for the table. The tomatoes are as tasty as only homegrown can be, not to mention the radish. The beans are more than we can handle.

So my little garden is doing well, especially with the lots of rain we're getting in Gauteng these days. Unfortunately, as my fellows in distress will know, there's a downside to the weather: It tends to make depression go a bit deeper, so you have to fight it a little harder. (Less light, less time to be outdoors, and apparently the changes in atmospheric pressure also plays a role.)

But life goes on - maybe with less smiling, more effort, but God is still good and He still takes care of those who rely on Him.

I've found that my depression is constantly forcing me back to God, because at the end He is really all you have. Suffering from depression makes you so much more aware of that: family can be as supportive as possible, you could do everything in your power to cope, but sometimes only God can see you through. And that's OK: God doesn't mind - He's the one who invites you to come. Right through the Bible we are encouraged to bring everything to Him.

I've learned one lesson from the book of Job: to be honest with God. Society demands that you to put on your best face, smile through your teeth, and carry on with daily life, but God does not expect that from us. Be real. Tell Him how you feel. In everyday language: forget the churchy cliches and say it like it is. If you can't be honest with God, where in the universe can you be? Read the end of Job and see what God says about Job's friends who were so "theologically correct".

There's many Biblical precedents for calling a spade a spade: King David (who I suspect suffered from depression) gets quite honest in his psalms. Jeremiah cries out to God as he sees Jerusalem in ruins. Habakkuk queries God when he sees destruction approaching his nation. Elijah runs away and hosts a pity party on God's mountain. Yet all of them gets help and support from God.

Hold on to God. As seasons change, and people come and go, He remains the one place of safety. Forget the macho I-can-do-it-by-myself attitude - it's not impressing God, and I think our macho is quite wimpy against Him!

Accept His helping hand. We need it.

I try to write this blog positively, trying to offer hope and encouragement, but I'm afraid some visitors might get the idea that I have it really easy... Not at all! Let me set the record straight!

I battle, every day, with the same things that make depression such a lonely hell for those suffering from it. I also get angry, in general and also towards God, when I think what life could be like without this ball and chain around my life. I also wonder if all the fighting is really worth anything...

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Allow me to tell you what got me started with this blog.

Last year a dear Christian woman suffering from severe depression committed suicide. I attended the funeral, and it was actually a beautiful funeral - people were shocked, many cried, but it was a Christ-oriented funeral: She was honoured as a Christian woman whose legacy won't be forgotten, and her husband gave a moving description of her battle with depression, ending with a call to all present not to take depression lightly, to get help, to take it seriously. And then someone else took the microphone and said: "And beware of negative thoughts. Negative thoughts cause depression..." It was like a kick in the most sensitive place, and it represented the very essence of religious misinformation/abuse about this disorder.

That was the day I decided to start a blog,

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Like John Lennon sang: "And so this is Christmas/What have you done?" Most of us suffering from depression will probably say "I survived the silly season".

Well, to be honest, some parts of it was just surviving for me, but by the grace of God this was actually a good Christmas/New Year for me. Our offices were closed, so I spent the time at home, doing some gardening, and laying a bit of paving in a corner of the backyard - only about 4m x 3m, but it kept me busy! I cleaned the ground, pushed in lots of wheelbarrows full of sand to level the surface, then laid the bricks, then did a concrete retainer around it, filled up between the bricks with more sand - and now we have a very nice place to sit & relax!

I lost some weight (sweating it out!), got a bit of a tan, and generally pushed up my levels of feel-good chemicals, but don't get me wrong: Mr Depression is still stalking me, but I feel better than I've felt in a long time. I suppose now the trick will be to continue being active...

Anyway, this is just a quick update to say I'm back. From next week I'll try to write some serious posts here, at least one a week again.

To all visitors to In Another Land: May 2009 be a good year for you. In the midst of your struggles with this dark enemy called depression, may you experience the presence and comfort of God.

...and sometimes it's not!

It took me a long time to learn this lesson. I expected that the more I worked at managing my depression, the easier it would get - it didn't!

Taking medication kind of smoothes out the mood swings associated with depression, but it does not take it away. Sometimes you feel quite OK, sometimes under the weather, sometimes depressed, sometimes in deepest darkness, and that's just the way it is. I learned to manage my lifestyle, my habits, my thought patterns, but every now and then I still take a big dive.

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Is it really necessary to say this?

Absolutely! One of the greatest temptations for anyone with depression/bipolar disorder is to start reasoning something like "I'm feeling good, I'm exercising, I'm eating well, let's cut this #%^&$@#$ pills!"

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