In Another Land

I try to write this blog positively, trying to offer hope and encouragement, but I'm afraid some visitors might get the idea that I have it really easy... Not at all! Let me set the record straight!

I battle, every day, with the same things that make depression such a lonely hell for those suffering from it. I also get angry, in general and also towards God, when I think what life could be like without this ball and chain around my life. I also wonder if all the fighting is really worth anything...

Follow up:

My particular expression of depression comes with a load of anxiety & panic. Leave me without medication, and pretty soon I'm a gibbering wreck. Grown men aren't supposed to have anxiety, right? Wrong. We're talking about anxiety here, a generalized feeling of fear and panic, something you can't fight; not a fear based on reality. Give me somebody or something concrete to fear, and I rise to the occasion and deal with it. But this murky dark fear is horrible.

I battle to sleep. I can't remember when last I slept through a whole night. I dose off, wake up, dose off, wake up,... and I wake up tired, with no energy. And yet, at other times, I sometimes sleep excessively. Talk about being messed up!

I'm finding it hard to focus. I'm irritable and restless. I have difficulty concentrating, remembering details and making decisions. Sometimes I feel worthless, hopeless and lost. Sometimes I lash out at those closest to me, who're walking the road with me, for no reason at all.

Even my hobbies can't really hold me: I love woodworking and gardening, but often it feels like I'm just doing something to keep busy. (Which is sometimes true, but it's better than just sitting and slipping further into the dark.)

So, in a nutshell, I'm a person suffering from depression, and as I'm getting older it's getting worse. I'm taking my medication faithfully (almost religiously!), I'm doing everything I can to deal with it, I get as much physical activity as is possible, I try to eat OK, I watch my thoughts, but it remains a battle: It's as if you're always walking uphill - even the easier parts are still uphill.

But I'm not beaten. I walk with a God who carries me in my weakness, who understands when I loose it all, who sticks to His promise of never leaving. Very often, in the words of Randy Stonehill, I cling to Him "like a drowning sailor trying not to sink". And so far I'm still floating!

So as you read this blog, and maybe get something positive out of it, remember me. And all the others battling this monster.
If you don't suffer from depression, be grateful and say a prayer for those who do.
If you're suffering from depression, know that you're not alone. Even the guy writing this blog, trying to encourage you, is fighting his own battle. We're all crawling towards the light.

Is it worth it? Yes. God has given us life, and until He takes it away, let's live it to His glory.

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