In Another Land

This is the hardest part of living with depression. We will do everything to deny it as an ongoing part of life - ask me, I wrote the book on denial, especially denial from a Christian perspective! And as long as you deny it as a treatable medical condition in your life, you will never be able to manage it.

Follow up:

For many years I tried to blame everything and everyone for my depression. Not that blame is needed when you suffer from clinical depression/bi-polar disorder: it's nobody's fault - you just need to accept it as a part of life. It's an unwelcome part for me, but that doesn't make it any less real than my neighbour's high blood pressure: he drinks his medication to prevent a blood vessel rupturing and bleeding to death - I drink my medication to stay sane and not blow my head off.

But it took me many years to accept this. Growing up in a Christian home, active in church, in leadership from a young age, I tried to find spiritual reasons for my depression, and eventually convinced myself that I suffered two major depression episodes because I was disobedient to God. With perfect hindsight I can see how that conviction influenced every aspect of my life, often not for good. From career choices to church involvement to family relationships, it was always a deciding factor, and it messed up my life. Big time!

Let's be honest, no-one is always perfectly obedient, but looking back I can now say with certainty that disobedience to God was NOT the cause of my depression, and depression was not a stick God beat me with: latent depression was in my life from early childhood, a time-bomb just waiting for the right pressure to explode; and when I hit the "right" situations I just imploded. Would perfect obedience have prevented that? I don't think so.

And do not forget the effect this had on my personal spiritual life: how can you have a normal relationship with God if you believe He's using depression (or the threat of it) to keep you in line? I think He suffered the most because of my illness and my stubborn refusal to accept it. How do you get close to that kind of a God? How can He reveal Himself as a loving Father if you're always trying to please Him just to not get depressed? And what do you do when despite your best efforts, you hit the depths every so often?

I can't pinpoint an exact moment when this warped view changed; it was more a process that started when I, in desperation, decided to stay on medication (as my doctor had advised for years).

For many years I hid my illness from all but close family. Nobody knew I was taking medication. But things finally came to a point where I accepted that this was who I was: an otherwise normal person who suffered from depression, an illness/disorder that needed to be managed just like any other. And like any other illness it required some lifestyle changes.

You want the truth? It's only recently that I've "come out of this closet", so to speak. I don't advertise it, but I don't hide my depression any more, and you won't believe the difference it makes to my life. Not having to spent time and resources on hiding my "dirty little secret" meant that I could use that time and resources to manage my depression. Allowing my family to speak up when they suspect things are going wrong, means that there's two (more objective) observers to detect any problem early enough to deal with it.

So here's my first advice if you have been diagnosed with clinical depression: Accept it, and start dealing with it instead of ignoring it. Go out tonight, look at the stars, and tell yourself that you have an illness, you probably hate it, but have to deal with it. And acceptance is the first step.

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