In Another Land

I never spent time in a psychiatric facility after those two major episodes, but more than once it was touch and go! For many years I went on medication, stabilised, went off medication, started sliding down again, went on medication, stabilised,... You get the picture!

Things got to a point in the mid-nineties. We were driving to the shopping mall, past our local hospital, then past a traffic light where police (not traffic officers) we're stopping traffic to make way for an ambulance on its way to the hospital. We wondered about it, decided it must be some important person, and went on our way. That evening it was on the news:

Follow up:

The wife of the then Minister of Police, Adriaan Vlok, had committed suicide. She had been suffering from depression.

That was when I realised that I could be next, unless I do something. I went to my doctor, who've journeyed with me through the previous years' rollercoaster rides. As it happened, he had just returned from a medical conference where depression was one of the topics; and one speaker had told them quite bluntly that if a medical practitioner treated a person with chemical depression until he stabilises and then withdrew medication, he could be sued for malpractice! It was explained to them as being on par with stabilising high cholesterol and then stopping medication, which would definitely be malpractise.

So we decided to start working on my depression. We tried various forms of medication, in various doses. Some made me even more depressed, at least one made me quite violent, some blessed me with terrible headaches, but eventually we arrived at a suitable regimen of a particular dose of a specific tablet. Eventually it got to the point where I am largely monitoring myself, increasing the dose when needed, decreasing when the situation changes.

(Currently (for the past more than 10 years) I am on what is known as a "mood-altering drug" (not the type Timothy Leary played with!). It's not a quick-fix "dope-as you-need" solution: The particular tablet I use has a long-term action - any change in dosage usually phases in over a two-week period, which means I really have to keep an eye on myself - and fortunately my family does too! There's no instant change - that would be a sure recipe for total addiction to medication!)

My life changed radically. Where I used to go up & down like a yo-yo, making life hell for those around me, I stabilised on a relatively even keel, to the great joy of my family!

Don't misunderstand me: I didn't become Superman with wings and a halo. Life is still a battle, depression is still a very real part of my life, but for the first time in my life I was emotionally on an even keel. Imagine trying to keep a boat with a hole above the water: that's how my life used to be - the slightest wind or wave, and I sank. Now the hole was plugged, and I had almost the same chance of surviving a storm as a person without depression.

Currently there is no medication that will "take away" chemical depression - it's always there, but with correct medication you're able to control it, instead of depression controlling you.

In a very real sense, I have to confess, I am "damaged goods". Some things will never be "normal" for me. Some of my behavioural patterns have been shaped by decades of depression, and you don't change ingrained patterns that easily. Sometimes my first reaction to crisis is still to dive into a hole. Sometimes I'll rather run than fight.

But, and this is the GOOD news, comparing what I used to be to what I am now, is like night and day. I'm not a victim any more, I'm able to take responsibilty for and control of my life.

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