In Another Land

Officially, as I've said, my story began in 1978 - but if I look back with the knowledge I now have, it started long before that.

The first characteristic symptoms I can remember date from eleven years earlier, when I was a farmboy in what is now Northwest province. I should have been happy and carefree, but I wasn't - I was already battling a monster I knew nothing about, and I wasn't doing too well.

Follow up:

But things go back even further. Nobody wanted to talk about it, but my paternal grandfather died at a young age in what I gather to be a mental institution. Given the times and the attitudes to "mental illness", the secrecy is maybe not surprising. Some family members apparently blamed my grandmother for whatever went wrong. To be honest, she was a formidable old lady who would take on anyone at the drop of a hat, but I think blaming her might be a bit over the top. If Grandpa was suffering from depression, especially in an untreated and probably serious form, it could not have been easy living with him. And him going over the edge probably wasn't due to any of the significant people in his life.

My father died (in a mine accident) when I was in high school, but looking back, once again, the evidence for depression is unmistakeable. One thing that bugged me for many years is the fact that he and I could never really get our relationship going: nothing terrible, we didn't hate each other or fought all the time - we just couldn't really find each other, even though we both tried in our own ways. Looking back, I can identify behavioural patterns he developed to deal with the manifestations of his depression, and some patterns I developed to deal with my incipient depression, some in reaction to his behaviour! No wonder we were talking and living past each other. (As a footnote to be explored later: I finally got to sorting out my issues with him.)

The point is this: Depression as a medical condition seems to run in families. At least one of my siblings also suffers from it, although it manifested in a somewhat different, and more "benign" form (if such a thing is possible).

This is not a so-called "generational curse", as some Christian practitioners would have it - it is simply part of the genetic baggage every living creature on this planet carries around. Some people are genetically predisposed to heart disease. Are they "cursed"? Quite a few diseases seem to have a distinct genetic component, including some forms of mental illness, and they should be treated in accordance with our current knowledge. ( High cholesterol levels shouldn't be treated with beetroot juice, right?)

Apologies if I step on toes here, but enough people have stepped on my toes! And are still stepping on the toes of people who need support instead of judgement.

But please note: I'm not talking about a heart-broken adolessent who lost his true love, and is sooo depressed, until the next beauty smiles at him! That is serious - I know,I've been there, and she was really beautiful - but we're talking about a condition that can destroy you if you don't take it serious.

I'm talking about a persistent verifiable medical condition, not temporary depression in reaction to calamity. I'm talking about trying everything to get "out of it", but with no success. I'm talking about a mad black dog snapping at your heeels, trying to devour you if you give it the smallest chance. I'm talking about an impenetrable darkness suffocating you, no matter what you do. I'm talking about a chemical imbalance in the brain that messes up literally everything life.

I wish I could describe the experience of depression to those who do not know what it is, but words fail me. And remember, we're not talking about a minor irritation that will eventually disappear; we're talking about something that influences every aspect of your life, and will probably do so for the rest of your life. Added to that, by the time a person is correctly diagnosed, he/she has probably battled depression for years already, and has evolved quite a few unhealthy ways of dealing with it. Now you have to unlearn some things and develop a new strategy for managing the rest of your life...

So, to end this blurb, I want to say two things:
First, if you are not suffering from depression, spare a thought for those who do. As the old Indian saying goes, don't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his mocassins. If you don't understand, don't judge or ostracise.
And secondly, if you suffer from depression, take heart. It takes effort, and it's always an uphill battle, but you can learn to manage depression. I have.

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